Colorado Avamyfatherneverlovedmeandithurtsmyselfesteemtothisday Jersey Concept

I'm trying to get ahead of the game here, and post a few jerseys for the inception of this blog. I don't know, I have a feeling this is just going to be a weird blog that I end up abondonning, find 8 years later, and wonder what the fuck was going on in my head.

WHY DOES TREVOR LOOK AT ME IN CLASS? DOES HE LIKE ME? MY HEART HURTS SO MUCH? <33333 xoxoxoxoxoxox

Wait....what. Who the fuck is Trevor.

(I don't know which one is dreamier.)

I've always been a huge fan of the Colorado Avalanche. Maybe it's because I'm a huge pussy, who became a hockey fan as a child in the late 90's when Colorado was a top team. Was I looking for the security of cheering for a winning team, to make up for the fact that my father only called once a month? If not for the strong male influence of grown men being paid millions of dollars to win sporting championships, would I currently get off by walking around my apartment alone in leather boots?

(You will have to settle for this picture of a generic hair metal band, as googling "Fat man in leather boots" did not turn up a relevant image to use....I also must now reformat this entire computer in fear of the rest of my family finding that in the search history.)

As much as I love the Avalanche, they are going through a Michael Jackson sort of phase. They are where he was in the mid 80's, where he was kind of still black, but you could tell something was going on....yes he had a skin disorder, which I empathize with, but being empathetic completely ruins this allusion I am trying to make. The Avalanche are burgundy.....but they are trying to pull an MJ. They started out with just a little bit of blue on their jerseys, and now they are slowly trying to ditch the burgundy in favor of blue, and hope that if they do it slowly, nobody will fucking notice.

(Give it a year or two, and the Avalanche's jerseys will be completely blue, like that shitty song from the 90's. They don't even have a god damn logo on that jersey. The only team that can get away with having a jersey with no logo is the Rangers, and that is because their jersey originated from the 30's, when most teams were still wearing potato bags, let alone sweaters with logos.....I'm pretty sure the Bruins played shirtless until the 50's. We have factories full of Indonesian kids willing to work for Reebok for a few bucks a month....there's no excuse not to have a decent crest.)

So anyfuckingways. Colorado has to embrace the burgundy. At this point, I've lost track of my thoughts, so I guess I should just post the stupid jersey concepts, shouldn't I?

As you can see. I went for a concept that says "This team is from Colorado" by adding mountains to the bottom of the jersey. I used some generic mountain clip art, did a PSD cut, and recolored it.....so if you're in the business of making mountain clip art.....you might have made the original mountains I pulled up from google image search.

I used the foot logo, because it's obvious Colorado is ashamed of the dorky 90's looking A logo, and the foot is kind of cool. If somebody got kicked in the stomach while wearing one of these, the person assaulting them might mistakenly come under the impression that they have such a hard kick, that it left an imprint on the victims shirt.

I don't even know if they could sublimate mountains on an RBK Edge jersey, but in that case, use your imagination and pretend they are boring generic stripes.

In the comments, let me know if you like the direction Colorado is taking with their jerseys. Would you stick with burgundy? What logo would you use? Who from the Avalanche's 2001 Stanley Cup Championship roster do you think would be the most attentive lover....just normal relevant comments like that.

Florida Zack Morris's

I posted this stupid jersey on Reddit. Hence the water mark saying somebody else's username.

I'm not sure what inspired this jersey. Maybe it was an after effect of being indoctrinated with early 90's Saved By The Bell reruns.

Florida Panther's are extremely irrelevant. They are an awful hockey team. They are named after an animal that is probably extinct in the state of Florida. They should be called the Florida Grandmothers Who You Only Call When You Need To Borrow Money Because You're An Awful Fucking Grandson.

(Florida's new mascot, the dead grandmother, posing for a facebook picture with a lucky fan.)

To become relevant again, Florida needs to appeal to the youth of America. They need to throw some jerseys on rappers (Rap is still popular right?) in their music videos, so kids see that, and decide that if they too are going to be hussling everyday, they have to be doing it while cheering for the Florida Panthers.

(Close but no marijuana cigarette.)

Imagine Justin Bieber sporting a Florida jersey, while laughing, and taking a dump on the Boston Bruins logo while one tear slides down the cheek of Zdeno Chara.

 (Beiber caught just before he slid his pants down, and took a big steaming dump right in the mouth of Chicago's Native American mascot.)

(I could not find a picture of Zdeno Chara crying. So you'll have to settle for this. I can't judge the man.)

Without further ado....here is the awful jersey concept.

(Celebrating the great hockey career of Beach Boy's drummer, John Stamos. He wore the number 69, because that is a sexual act he greatly enjoyed participating in with woman a lot and stuff. I'm pretty sure Scarface is huge in the hip hop community because he glamorizes rising from the bottom and to the top (Like Kanye says in that song of his) He also glamorized making bad choices, and having an early demise due to using far too much cocaine, and allowing his own ego to make him think he was invincible. )

In the comments, let me know which rapper you'd like to see wear this jersey. Do the Panthers suck? Would you wear this jersey? Bigger bad ass, John Stamos, or Tony Montana? Would Tony Montana have fit in in the Full House household?

Vancouver Casucks

Here is a Vancouver Canucks concept I made. NHL is doing a bunch of out door games this season, I think it's because the league is broke and can no longer afford arenas, so they are playing on ponds or something.

They make new jerseys for these Winter Classics, so that stupid fans can pay 100's of dollars for them, and they can make a lot of money. Which doesn't seem to be working, because they are playing outside.

Here is the concept. Loosely based on Vancouver's 80's jerseys which were probably invented by a blind super villain, who wanted his team to look really shitty, but also really evil at the same time. These are a bit more modern.


The V stands for Vancouver, not Vagina. Vancouver Canucks, not the Vagina Canucks. Although, THE WAY THEY PLAY THEY PROBABLY HAVE VAGINAS AND STUFF.

Here is the shitty jersey. I will try and publish a jersey a day....or every few days....because I am depressed, unemployed, and need a feeling of meaning. I'm not sure I can go on much longer like this, I really need to feel the touch of a woman, the validation of love, the ecstasy of making another human smile, and feeling their warmth radiate back into your soul. So hopefully this helps. Enjoy.

As you can see, it's more of a modernized version of the "V" jersey. If I was more into this, I'd hand draw Captain Canuck flying out of the jersey like the Duck's Wild Wing jerseys.....but who the fuck has that much free time.

I will post awful hockey jersey concepts here. They are stupid. You are stupid. Hockey is a dumb sport. I prefer baseball. Stay tuned for hockey jersey concepts of mine you stupid idiot. I am bad at photoshop.